Book of the Year
by StellarKhat
Summary: There's something wrong in the Harry Potter universe, everyone seems to be acting rather odd and two characters are missing altogether. Where are Hermione and Professor McGonagall and why aren't they trying to help as ther world falls into chaos?


**A/N This is our first fic that we've written together. It's pretty crackfic so don't take it seriously. First chapter is short and sweet to get y'all nice and confused but we've got big plans for this story. Will eventually be MM/HG but if that's not your thing don't worry; it won't be happening for a while. Just read and have fun!**

With a shiver of excitement, Ebony opened her copy of the latest Harry Potter book. Tearing up the stairs, she locked herself in her bedroom to avoid any unwarranted interruptions. Taking a deep breath, Ebony began to rifle through the pages, inhaling the scent of the new book. One simply couldn't rush into these things. Glancing down as she flicked through the pages, Ebony caught glimpses of words and phrases held within the chapters.

_Harry…_

_Reached for her wand…_

_Cauldron…_

_Privet Drive…_

_Warhammer…_

Wait. _Warhammer?_

A look of puzzlement crossed her face as she read the accompanying sentences, her eyebrow raised in scepticism.

_Petunia scrubbed the hotplate on the oven for the seventh time that morning, however her attention was on the clock on the wall. Dudley had been hovering outside of Harry's bedroom for the past three hours. He was so engrossed in the task of discovering what Harry was up to he had even forgotten to be rude to his parents. It was only a matter of time before he set up camp there – out of concern, Petunia regularly visited him with offerings of food hoping to tempt him back to the kitchen. Noticing that she was wearing a hole in the dishcloth, she set it down and crept into the hallway to see Dudley's large behind, even more noticeable than usual because he was bent double, pressing his eye to the keyhole of Harry's room._

_Harry was facing the window, hunched over his desk. Silence emanated from him as well as a sort of stiff tension as though he were trying to single handedly split the atom. He had been like this for days, never speaking to anyone and hardly ever leaving the sanctuary of his room. When he did leave, it was for such a short amount of time that Dudley had no chance of investigating his cousin's strange behaviour before he returned._

_As often happens with these sorts of things, Petunia's decision to brave the stairs happened to coincide with the most difficult part of Harry's mysterious task so far. The air itself seemed to thicken as Petunia crept up the stairs, hands stretched towards her son to gently rouse him from his observations and Harry stooped lower still over his work._

_Petunia's hand was barely a hairs breadth from Dudley's shoulder when disaster struck. Teetering on the edge of perfection, Harry had lowered his hand to add the final speck of colour to his Dark Elvin model when a slight shake of his hand caused him to miss his target (the buckle of her belt) and instead, painted the tip of her pinuti Mikado yellow._

"_ELVISH WHORE!"_

_Rage flared up inside Harry, he had been working night and day to finish his Warhammer army but without his completed Elvin general how was he supposed to successfully appease the mighty Aenarion the Defender and lead their army of d__estruction once again to the forbidden lands of Ulthuan?!_

_The sudden explosion of sound from Harry caused an equally explosive reaction from his aunt and cousin. Petunia gave a startled shriek and fell bony-rump first into the plant pot beside her. Poor Dudley, whose eye was practically touching the keyhole at the time, managed to smack his forehead so hard off the door handle that it snapped off, the force of which caused the door to swing open with a fittingly eerie creak._

_Harry slowly revolved in his chair until he met the gaze of his dumfounded cousin. What Dudley was witnessing put him in mind of some terribly over exaggerated horror movie; some mad professor about his work. The almost unrecognisable Harry Potter was bent to his work, tongue protruding from his work-worn lips, glasses perched precariously on the tip of his nose. Bloodshot eyes peered over the rim of his near-suicidal spectacles at his cousin and thoroughly dazed aunt (who still had one foot stuck in the azalea). They were both regarding him with something of fear in their eyes. With a sigh the door swiftly closed itself, leaving a rather flustered Harry alone in his work shop once more, his yellow-speckled pinuti slipping from the view of prying eyes. _

"Hold the phone!" Ebony murmured aloud. "Is this some kind of joke?"

She snapped the book shut and rummaged through her pockets for her phone, this had to be some kind of mistake. The phone rang three times before Ebony's best friend, Willow, answered. Skipping all pretence of small talk, she didn't even give her friend the chance to say hello.

"Willow! Have you read any of the new Harry Potter book yet? I think I've been had!"

"Ebony it's one in the morning. Of course I haven't read the bloody book yet, my brother's got the only copy in the house."

"Willow, this isn't the time for niceties! Go in there and get that bound collection of pages!"

There was a short pause as Willow scampered off to fetch the book, she was used to Ebony's quirks by now. She returned to the line panting.

"Got it!"

"Right, skip to page 96. Are you skipping?!"

"Yes, yes, I'm bloody skipping!"

Incoherent mumbling could be heard over the phone-line, Ebony caught snatches of words here and there, enough to confirm her suspicions that the sacred words of JK Rowling had been… desecrated!

"…Petunia…Dishcloth…Keyhole… Pinuti. Wait, _**pinuti**_? What the hell is a pinuti?!"

Ebony's mind was reeling, "Willow my friend, methinks there's something afoot!"


End file.
